New Plans

My flawless plan has been flawed. My hopes thet my girlfriend would not contradict herself failed. After a great dinner with my parents, we went to her room and she starting sobbing and said that she cannot date someone who drinks/smokes. It was not a threat, it was a warning. I told her I am done and that I really meant it. But do I? Do I really eman it? I really believe I do. I'm not quitting for the sake of quitting I guess, but because I love her. Being high is a great feeling but she is everything that is plus more. We talked for a while and I convinced her I am done.

I am worried though. If I am hanging out with some friends and free weed is up to be smoked, I hope I can control myself. My GF believes I am strong enough, but I don't think she realizes that I am not that strong. But I know one puff and she and I are done, and I won't let that happen.

I love my partying bros but at the same time, they can be pressuring. I know the decision is mine, and that my slip ups are no one else's fault but my own. However, the fact that they are holding the pipe and lighter for me is like making me. I love these guys and would hate to lose them at friends. It's not that I feel that I have to drink and smoke to stay friends weith them, it is just that we may not be as close. I am really lost here. I told them I am done. Done with it all. Two laughed, one called me whipped by my girlfriend and one said I'd be back in a week or two. I don't know. I hope they are wrong.

The main thing I have to do is have faith in myself. I have to flex the inner strength I have and be strong enough to overcome the pressure. I have to remember love is a better high than weed. I just have to stay strong.

Deep inside, I know I am not done.

Just Blazzeeee

So after talking with my girlfriend, she said that she was mostly mad at the fact that I lied about drinking/smoking. So last night, the opportunity arouse to smoke myself silly. I called her and told her my plans and believe it or not, she was happy. I mean, I know a part of her is angry that I am doing it, but I am being honest. I bet if she wanted to go back she would have just told me never to do it again, but knowing her, she won't contradict herself. So it works in my favor I guess. But in a way, I wish she would set boundries. Then I defiantly not fuck myself up. I love her and would do anything for her.

But this was a great high. It was my fourth time, and it was amazing. We used a steam roller. After three bowls, we hit up cosmic bowling. It was soo boss. After two games I said "fuck it" to bowling and just sat there, buzzing and feeling amazing; surfing it up on cloud nine. While the Phil's went overboard experimenting with Ritalin, I knew my limits and passed on the drank, pills and a fourth bowl of amazing Sour Diesel Mary Jane. That makes me feel better. I know my limits and have a great sense of control, even when I am cotton mouthed and red eyed as a motherfucker. I ama amazed how I can shut off the high and be responsible in a second. When bowling, one of my wasted bros got his ball stuck in the gutter. I was able to talk to the manager to have him fix it for us without raising any suspision.

We went back to Thomas's house and I fell right asleep. I woke up seven hours later, a little out of it still, but I had such a feeling of...accomplishment. Like, it was the best sleep I ever had since the end of finals.

But even though my Gf wasn't mad, or that I didn't crash the next morning, I felt a strain of guilt. I don't know why. Part is that even though she won't come out and say it, I know this angers my GF. I love her and hate doing that. Also, part of me is pissed that I need to smoke to feel free. I guess I need to get to the beach more. That's where I am free like no other. The surf, the waves, the nature. The atmosphere.

The question is whether this is my last time with the smoky smoky. I made a sworn promise to myself that after running camp, my cross country training will be the TOP priority in my life (NCS repeat, State top 10) so smoking will be out. Will I do it again? Will I break my pact. I tend to think I won't because smoking in season would let down my entire varisty boys team. I have to lead them this year and even though they will be doing their thing, I have to stick to my own plans.

Tonight I am going to dinner with my GF. I am going to tell her I love her and mean every word of it.

Fucked up

So once again after promising I wouldn't, I went and got fucked up. Drank a good amount, smoked too much. Of course for a few hours I'm on top of the world, hella free and gone. Then when I crash though all I want is more. I want it to stop. I wish then I hadn't smoked another bowl or done another shot. Then I wake up, the smell of pot reeks in my mouth everytime I swallow. I taste it. I feel it. Then I must do through the akward confessions and attempt to explain why I did what I did. Why did you go there anyway? Why didn't you call me? Didn't you say you were done doing that shit? I give long answers that if someone actually listened to and analyzed, they would realize they don't mean shit. Yet they are enough to get forgiveness back. But then I think, why did I do it? I think it's because with a suicidal family and pressure from all four corners, it gives me that freedom. I mean, like i mentioned before, I am free when I'm gone. Now worries, no pressures. I'm flying, surfing a cloud, melting into the surface of what is binding. I'll take the pain to get high again. It's worth it. I promised I wouldn;t do it again though. I wonder how long I will hold that. Or how long I can do it before anyone finds out.