Just Blazzeeee

So after talking with my girlfriend, she said that she was mostly mad at the fact that I lied about drinking/smoking. So last night, the opportunity arouse to smoke myself silly. I called her and told her my plans and believe it or not, she was happy. I mean, I know a part of her is angry that I am doing it, but I am being honest. I bet if she wanted to go back she would have just told me never to do it again, but knowing her, she won't contradict herself. So it works in my favor I guess. But in a way, I wish she would set boundries. Then I defiantly not fuck myself up. I love her and would do anything for her.

But this was a great high. It was my fourth time, and it was amazing. We used a steam roller. After three bowls, we hit up cosmic bowling. It was soo boss. After two games I said "fuck it" to bowling and just sat there, buzzing and feeling amazing; surfing it up on cloud nine. While the Phil's went overboard experimenting with Ritalin, I knew my limits and passed on the drank, pills and a fourth bowl of amazing Sour Diesel Mary Jane. That makes me feel better. I know my limits and have a great sense of control, even when I am cotton mouthed and red eyed as a motherfucker. I ama amazed how I can shut off the high and be responsible in a second. When bowling, one of my wasted bros got his ball stuck in the gutter. I was able to talk to the manager to have him fix it for us without raising any suspision.

We went back to Thomas's house and I fell right asleep. I woke up seven hours later, a little out of it still, but I had such a feeling of...accomplishment. Like, it was the best sleep I ever had since the end of finals.

But even though my Gf wasn't mad, or that I didn't crash the next morning, I felt a strain of guilt. I don't know why. Part is that even though she won't come out and say it, I know this angers my GF. I love her and hate doing that. Also, part of me is pissed that I need to smoke to feel free. I guess I need to get to the beach more. That's where I am free like no other. The surf, the waves, the nature. The atmosphere.

The question is whether this is my last time with the smoky smoky. I made a sworn promise to myself that after running camp, my cross country training will be the TOP priority in my life (NCS repeat, State top 10) so smoking will be out. Will I do it again? Will I break my pact. I tend to think I won't because smoking in season would let down my entire varisty boys team. I have to lead them this year and even though they will be doing their thing, I have to stick to my own plans.

Tonight I am going to dinner with my GF. I am going to tell her I love her and mean every word of it.